At the Memorial Meal #
The memorial meal has today become an obligatory part of funerals and commemorative days. Where did it come from, and how should it be properly organized?
In olden times, the custom of feeding the poor was widespread. This was done especially often in memory of the departed. Once a form of almsgiving, memorial meals today have become more of a tribute to tradition. There is nothing wrong with them, and they should be conducted in a most decorous and respectful manner. If the commemoration falls on a fasting day, then the menu must be strictly in accordance with the fast. If it is too difficult to prepare a fasting table, it is better to postpone the memorial meal to another day.
The menu for the memorial table may vary depending on local custom. The only strict prohibition is on alcoholic beverages, and the only obligatory dish is kutia.
“If thou makest a memorial of the dead by wine-drinking and causest the invited to become drunk, thou dost not intercede for the soul of the deceased that it be delivered from torment, but rather dost add to him the fire of Gehenna.”
— St. John Chrysostom
Kutia (also called kolivo) is made of boiled wheat grains sweetened with honey. Wheat symbolizes the resurrection of the dead: just as a grain of wheat cast into the earth does not perish but grows again and brings forth fruit, so also shall they who lived in faith and piety and were buried, rise again unto eternal life. The sweetness of the honey recalls the delight and joy of the righteous in the Kingdom of God, and the candle symbolizes the light of the Face of God, which gladdens all His saints from ages past.
Kutia is brought into the church during the memorial prayers. It is placed on a specially designated “memorial table” — a flat, rectangular candlestand with a fixed Holy Cross. If a priest is serving, he reads a prayer to bless the kutia at the beginning of the funeral service, pannikhida, canon, or litia. After the dismissal, the faithful commemorate the departed by partaking of the kutia, tasting it three times in the church or by the grave, as well as during the memorial meal. The dish with kutia is passed in order of seniority. Each person makes the sign of the cross and partakes three times with the prayer: “O Lord, give rest to the soul of Thy departed servant…” (naming the departed).
Idle talk is out of place at the table. It is best to eat in silence, while one person reads aloud, for all to hear, a passage from a holy book that is fitting for the occasion.
After rising from the meal, a prayer is said first for the meal and for the health of those who provided it, and then the stikhera of the 6th tone “O Creator and Maker” is sung, followed by a memorial litia, concluding with 15 bows in memory of the deceased.
Memorial meals are not held for those who have committed suicide or who have died in other sinful and unworthy ways. St. Theodore the Studite advises that close relatives of such persons abstain from meat for forty days and zealously give alms, especially from the belongings of the deceased themselves.