When should memorial meals for the deceased be held? How should they be organized? Is it sufficient to simply host a memorial meal, or must commemoration also be ordered in the church? How should a memorial meal be conducted properly?

When should memorial meals for the deceased be held? How should they be organized? Is it sufficient to simply host a memorial meal, or must commemoration also be ordered in the church? How should a memorial meal be conducted properly? #

The commemoration of the deceased is typically observed on the 3rd, 9th, and 40th days after their death. Some also commemorate on the 2nd day. The counting begins with the day of death as the first day. Further commemorations occur six months after the date of death and annually on the anniversary of the death and the individual’s name day (the feast day of the saint whose name the deceased bore). Additionally, the deceased are commemorated on the so-called parental Saturdays: Meatfare Saturday, Trinity Saturday, Demetrius Saturday, and the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th Saturdays of Great Lent. Note: the dates for special commemorations of the departed are listed annually in the Orthodox Old Believer Church Calendar.

If a day of commemoration (other than the 40th day) falls on a Sunday or a major feast, when memorial meals are not held—including during Easter Week, Trinity Week, or Christmastide (from Nativity to Theophany)—the commemoration is moved to a different day, often a Saturday, either before or after the original date.

If a day of commemoration (other than the 40th day) falls during one of the weeks of Great Lent, the memorial meal is moved to the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th Saturday of Lent.

The 40th day commemoration must be observed precisely on that day, even if it falls on Easter.

The central aspect of a memorial is not the meal but prayer for the deceased. Prayers should be offered at home and in church. One should ask the priest for prayers, which could include a small memorial service (litia), a requiem (panikhida), or even a special liturgical service with the Divine Liturgy in church—the highest form of commemoration. Without church prayers, a memorial lacks its essence and becomes merely a formal meal, especially if there is no prayer at the table, as is often the case with secular people and non-Orthodox believers.

For a memorial meal, kutia (a dish of wheat with honey) should be prepared. Here is how it is made:

The required amount of wheat is cleaned of debris and rinsed with water. It is then boiled in water on low heat for about an hour. Alternatively, the wheat can be placed in a large thermos, covered with boiling water, and left for two hours. Excess water is drained, leaving the liquid (called sytá) slightly above the wheat. Once cooled, several tablespoons of natural honey are added. Note: If honey is added while the kutia is hot, the wheat will harden over time as if it were uncooked. In kutia, the wheat symbolizes the resurrection of the dead, and the honey represents the sweetness of the saints’ dwelling in paradise. Kutia is blessed by a priest, or in his absence, placed before icons with four candles lit around it during prayers as a form of blessing.

Kutia is eaten reverently, standing, as a sacred offering, before any other dishes at the memorial meal or after the Divine Liturgy, along with the blessed prosphora.

The memorial meal serves as an act of charity on behalf of the deceased. Therefore, the holy fathers advise inviting not only relatives but also the poor and needy Christians so that they might receive this charity as if directly from the hands of the deceased, for which they will be rewarded by God.

The meal should conform to the Church’s dietary rules. On fasting days, the food must be fasting-appropriate; otherwise, the memorial meal becomes a sin. Additionally, it is unacceptable to commemorate the deceased with vodka or other alcohol, whether during fasting periods or non-fasting times. For monks, the meal should exclude meat.

Before the meal, the usual pre-meal prayers (Our Father, etc.) are recited. Throughout the meal, food should be eaten silently with constant inward prayer for the deceased: “Lord, grant rest to the soul of Thy departed servant (name).”

The specific dishes served at memorial meals vary by local custom. However, kutia must always be served first and eaten entirely.

In some regions, unique traditions are preserved. For example, among the Old Believers in the Kursk region, the meal begins with kutia, followed by a special local kvass, resembling a thick white jelly, fermented from raw rye dough rather than bread. After the kutia, boiled rice with fruits and raisins (sorochinka) is served, followed by pies filled according to the fasting rules. Lastly, buckwheat porridge is served (plain during fasting, or with oil or melted milk during non-fasting days), and soup is served last—noodle soup during non-fasting periods or mushroom soup during fasting times. The meal proceeds in silence, in a strict and orderly fashion, following the ancient custom passed down from ancestors. Remarkably, this sequence of dishes—drinks, then pies, then the “second course,” with soup last—matches the banquet traditions of ancient Russian princes, preserved for over a thousand years.

After the meal, a short hymn with prostrations is sung for the living, followed by a requiem hymn (“Creator and Maker”) for the deceased (if someone is present to sing it) or a requiem troparion with 15 bows (see Morning and Evening Prayers in the Orthodox Old Believer Church Calendar or Prayer Book).

—Archpriest Vadim Korovin